Mixed Emotions

Well I have to say this is this first day in a long time I have had one of those really disappointing days. Monday I called my ob/gyn to tell her that my cycle still had not started since my surgery(07/01). Sean was very concerned something was wrong, me I wasn’t too worried yet. After surgery she gave us the hope that pregnancy would come fairly easy. There was nothing she could find physically wrong with me. So, she decided I needed blood work to see what was going on. I went Tuesday for the blood work…..the wait begins.

On the ride home Monday night Sean and I just talked about how exciting it would be if I was pregnant. You know, you always hear the stories of people “adopting” and then getting pregnant. Well we thought maybe this was it. We were going to start our foster/adoption classes the next day. In the back of my mind I just kept thinking how great this would be, Mom’s b-day is 09/17 and Sean’s b-day 09/18. What better birthday presents than a baby on the way?

By now(today), I finally get a call from the dr. We are not pregnant, however all other levels are good. So I am happy about that. Nothing is still physically wrong with me. So I start medicine today to induce a cycle hopefully. Hopefully that will work. If not I have to call back to have more tests scheduled.

I subscribe to a daily blog about infertility and this came…..not at a better time.

I was recently reading a passage of Scripture in Mark about Jesus feeding a huge crowd of people with nothing more than five loaves of bread and two small fish. I’m such a visual thinker, and as I read this story I love to image the astonished faces of the front-row witnesses to such a mind-boggling miracle. Can’t you hear their lips smacking as Jesus took what started out as nothing more than a little boy’s lunch and multiplied it into a belly-busting buffet for five thousand men, plus all the women and their children, with twelve full baskets of leftovers to take home? What a faith-building story for those of us who need God’s provision!

But don’t stop there! Keep reading through Mark’s writings and see what else happened to Jesus and His disciples in that same day. It was quite an exciting day to say the least. The disciples got into a boat as Jesus told them to do, and He went into the mountains for some prayer time alone. While they were sailing, a huge storm erupted and they were terrified! Just as they thought they would surely drown, they look up and here come Jesus walking on the water toward them! Can you imagine what it must have been like? At first they thought He was a ghost, but eventually they realized He was the Son of God, literally walking on the water toward them, and He calmed their storm! Can you imagine what they told their wives when they asked “So honey, how was your day today?”

These true stories are some of my favorites in the entire Bible. I have read them more times than I could possibly count, have taught them and have written about them. If you had asked me if I knew these stories, I would have confidently told you I knew these passages well. The other day, God informed me that I had missed a very important point in the story!

Wait! What did I miss? I’ve read this a gabillion times! Maybe you have too, but even so, read it with me again. It’s amazing how there are so many nuggets of truth in God Word. This one is nestled right there at the end of the story about the disciples in the storm. Jesus has just calmed the chaos and climbed in the boat. The disciples are dripping with rainwater and doubt when Mark 6:51-52 says “they were utterly astonished, for they had not gained any insight from the incident of the loaves but their heart was hardened.”

When I read this Scripture for the thousandth time the other night, my mouth literally dropped open, and it was as if I read it for the first time. They had not gained any insight from the incident of the loaves but their heart was hardened? Are you kidding me? How did they watch the Son of God take a handful of food and literally transform it into enough food to fill the stomachs of thousands upon thousands of hungry people and think He was clueless about the storm they were about to sail into? How could they stand so near to Jesus, watch Him lay His hands on sick bodies and watch them be healed, hear God robed in flesh as He spoke comfort to grieving hearts and allow their own hearts to be hardened? How could they miss the miracles?

The same way I do.

How can I go through my day and not see God’s provision in my life? Have I not gained any insight from the miraculous incidents God has allowed to be played out right in front of me? There were so many times I told God how hard infertility was, and how alone I felt. God provided a friend to share my burden, to help me carry this weight. Perhaps she was God’s way of providing the bread and fish to my hungry soul! Did I miss God’s measure of peace in my storm, spoken to me through my pastor’s sermon, or a kind word from a friend? I don’t want to miss out! I don’t want my heart to be hardened.

As we all do, I sometimes forget to thank god for all the blessings I have in my life. I have the best family and friends a person could ask for. Thank you God for giving me the many blessings you do.

Everyone have a great weekend. See you at the Ham and Turkey Festival!

Love,
Jessica